Funny Doesn't Pay the Bills
by Six Shot Magnum
Summary: The gang finds a new comedy club and a new guy, a comedian named Taz. Where will it lead? Who knows. T rating for possible swearing and implied sexuality, i.e., puns inuendos jokes etc.
1. Chapter 1

Here's my first fanfic that I'll have posted on here.  
I had others but this is the one that I thought best deserved to go on here.  
Enjoy.

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Sonic had once again been dragged downtown by Amy. And of course, his other friends were there to see his embarrassment. Recently, Eggman had given up the whole "World Domination" thing, and become the successful owner of a local hotdog stand. Oh so delicious…But on with the story. Since Eggman's fall, the team had much more time to do things. Tails was in his workshop almost 24/7, Knuckles had become an MMA fighter, Blaze and Silver spent a lot more time together if you know what I mean (nudge nudge wink wink), Shadow just sort of…Disappeared (DUN DUN DUN!!!), Sonic and Amy had ended up being sort of an unofficial couple, and me? Well I started narrating fan fiction.

The whole team (minus Shadow of course) witnessed Sonic being dragged along by Amy. They laughed and Sonic covered his face with a hand. They had all agreed to meet there that day. A new comedy club had recently opened so they decided to check it out. They all went in and sat down at a large table, ordering drinks. Soon enough the first act got up on stage. He was a tall, lean dog with shaggy brown fur. He wore jeans and black T-shirt as well as a pair of black Converse. Amy made a sound similar to a cat purring and Sonic swatted at her face. Everyone clapped as the dog picked up the microphone.

"Hello everyone thanks for coming. Anyway that's probably as good as I'm going to get so I'll just go, thanks." He started to walk away but came back. "Okay, they're saying I should do more so yeah. Now where I come from it pretty much rains 9 months out of the year if we're lucky. So I've had to work really hard to become a stand-up comedian. For instance: Say it's raining. It's like: Aw, I can't do stuff outside. Maybe I'll read a book." He then burst out laughing and said, "Pfft, I don't even remember the last time I read a book!" He kept laughing then stopped suddenly.

"Then I'm like: I don't remember the last time I read a book." He said this in a sadder tone. "That really gets me down. But it's okay, that's what Botox is for right? You know who I think could use Botox? The sad face. You know? The smiley that has a sad face? I bet he'd look a lot happier if he had Botox. Okay real quick, I want to play a game with you guys. It's called the White Guy Name Game. Just think of some names that only a white guy would have. Here, I'll start you off: Umm…Justin, Alan, Kirk, Steven, you get the idea."

Soon people were shouting out names. Even the guy himself would laugh at some of them. One person said Dustin and the comic clapped his hands. "That's what I want to hear. Something that I've noticed is that white guys always have names that are like things that you do. Like Dustin, Hunter, that kind of thing." It took a second but everyone laughed. "It's okay. We all have the one friend that doesn't get the joke. I understand. Hey, am I the only one here that likes to have a straw when they're drinking something? Because the straw lets you drink without having to use your wrist. The straw is your friend. Until that is:" He emphasized that greatly.

"You lose eye contact with the straw. Then it betrays you, makes you look like an idiot. You ever have that happen to you? Where you're drinking from a straw and you look over at something and suddenly the straw is on the other side of the glass? I always have to pretend I'm surprised at something until I actually find the straw with my mouth, it's embarrassing." He showed this by having his mouth wide open and moving it around, as if searching for something. "Seriously, I hate that. The ice is even worse! You ever try to tilt the glass up and get a piece of ice to chew on? It's like: C'mon I just want one. C'mon. And the ice is like: Hold…Hold…Attack! Thank you and good night." He put the mic back and walked off waving.

Several other comics performed, none all that funny. At the end of the show all of the friends walked out together talking about which they liked the best when Amy spotted the first act walking across the street. "Hey!" She yelled waving. The dog turned and waved back. "C'mon let's go meet him!" Amy said to her friends. They all made it quickly over to the comic. "Hey you were really funny." Amy said.

"Oh, thanks. Anyway I'm Tim Azzon. But my friends call me Taz." Tim shook their hands. The team introduced themselves as well.

"So when did you get into town?" Sonic asked.

"I rolled in here about 3 weeks ago because I couldn't stand my roommate and I couldn't stand the weather. Anyway it was nice meeting you guys but I promised my girlfriend that we'd go out after my show. But maybe we'll see each other again huh?" Taz said. Sonic leaned over to Amy and whispered in her ear.

"Burned." He whispered. Amy hit him as soon as Taz began walking away.

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I'll admit it's a little short but it's only the first chapter.

How was it?


	2. Chapter 2 A day and night on the town

Alright then chapter 2.  
Sonic and co. met Taz at the comedy club and now what's going to happen?

I don't know just read it.  
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Amy heard her alarm go off and sleepily reached over to turn it off. 7:00 am. Ughhh….Why did she agree to meet with the guys so early? She got up, had a quick breakfast, showered and had enough time to watch the news. She slipped on her infamous red dress and proceeded out the door. (Don't you just love wake-up montages?)

Meanwhile Taz was sitting in his room playing guitar. Bored, he set it down and dressed himself in his usual attire: Jeans, a black T-Shirt, and Converse. That was practically all he had to wear. He went out the door on his merry way. He wondered if he'd see those guys from the other day at the comedy club. (Coincidence? I think not.)

Amy, Sonic, and Tails had all met in Central Park that day. They planned on checking out what the billboard had on it. Usually on Fridays like today there would be garage sales which Tails couldn't get enough of. There was always plenty of junk for sale that he could fix up. They spent several minutes looking and hadn't noticed Taz standing right beside them. Amy turned, saw him, and nearly screamed. They all stared at her. "Sorry I just didn't really notice that…Uh…"

"It's fine I have a tendency to sneak up on people anyway." Taz said laughing a bit. "I noticed you guys over here and just wanted to say hi. What're you guys looking for anyways?"

"Well Tails here likes to check out the garage sales. He's a bit of a mechanic." Sonic replied roughing up Tails' fur.

"Well it's your lucky day. Follow me." Taz said, walking away. They soon got to a small house and Taz pulled the garage door open. It was full of endless amounts of junk and machinery. (Convenient. Too Convenient…) "Take your pick little man. I'll make a deal with you when all's said and done." Tails was practically drooling as he ran in picking out random items and dragging them to the front of the garage. Taz was laughing as the kid sped through his garage picking out the random pieces of junk.

By the time he was done Tails had collected over 30 trinkets from all around the garage. Taz took a look through the box he had put them all in and looked at the boy. "20 bucks." He held out his hand and Tails shook it vigorously pulling out a 20 dollar bill. "You have fun now." Tails nodded.

"Thanks so much, mister!"

"Just call me Taz alright? I hate being formal." Taz replied. Tails soon took off in the direction of his workshop.

"You realize you could've gotten over 100 for that right?" Sonic said.

"Yeah but I know the kid couldn't have coughed up that much. Besides that stuff is useless to me." Taz replied smiling.

"Well thanks a lot. That was a really nice thing to do." Amy told him. Taz scratched his head.

"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, I'm gonna have another show down at the club if you guys wanna come." Amy turned to Sonic.

"That'd be a great idea! We could come to all of your shows. It'd be a great way to spend more time together with everyone!" Amy said.

"Yeah! That's a great idea! Just be sure to tell us when your shows are and we'll be there." Sonic replied. Amy pulled out her cell phone.

"Here, let's exchange numbers." They did and Taz waved goodbye as they went their separate ways. Once Taz was out of sight Sonic turned to Amy.

"Someone's got the hots for the new guy." He said. Amy slapped him and stomped away as Sonic laughed. "Oh, it was worth it!" He continued laughing.

Amy flopped onto her bed and turned on the TV, angry at Sonic. (I personally think she may have overreacted but don't tell her I said that. Actually, if she can't hear me…hehehehe…) Amy got a bowl of ice cream (Fatass.) and pulled on her comfy pajamas. (Bitch.) She was determined to spend the rest of the day inside. (You have no idea how much fun I'm having.) However, her phone was vibrating on her table so she picked it up, her mouth full of strawberry ice cream. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's Taz."

"Oh hey!" Amy said as she muted the TV. "What's up?"

"Just wanted to let you know that my next show is on Tuesday at about 5:00. So mark your calendar or whatever." Taz said over the phone.

"Great, we'll be there!" She replied. Amy hung up and fell back against her pillow. Was she falling for Taz? (Whore.) She'd been in love with Sonic for as long as she could remember. And now Taz had shown up and suddenly stolen her heart. (Aw how sweet.) Him and his beautiful brown fur. (Oh…It's so smooth too…Ugh! I must prevent gay thoughts from entering my mind!) She shook those thoughts away as she turned the volume back up on the TV. She began channel surfing.

Family Guy? Nope. (I love that show you bitch!) Robot Chicken? (Hehe funny.) Nope. (I HATE YOU!) She eventually found Forensic Files, one of her favorite shows. (It's actually pretty cool, channel 49 peeps.) She fell asleep during a case about the murder of a young girl and awoke to the case of…The murder of a young girl. (There are a lot of those.) Her clock said 10:00 p.m. so she got up. Recently Rogue had been taking her on various excursions to night clubs saying that she needed to meet more guys. (Oo-lala!) Amy gussied herself up before heading out the door.

She met Rogue at the corner and they proceeded into the dark depths of downtown. All the way, Amy couldn't help but think of Taz. She eventually got rid of the feeling after a few drinks. (I like where this is going. Giggidy.) Amy and Rogue stumbled out of the night club, laughing uncontrollably for no particular reason. (Lightweights.) It was about 2:00 in the morning but they could care less as they waltzed down the street. As they passed by a familiar house Amy stopped. "Hold uh… Hold on for a *burp* second." Amy knocked loudly on the door "Heeeeeeeeey!" She yelled.

Soon Taz opened the door. He had clearly been woken up. "Amy?" He said sleepily. Amy laughed.

"I just wanted *hiccup* to let you know that," She laughed hard for a second before continuing. "You are very, very, very sexy." She proceeded to pass out on the ground. Taz look at Rogue who threw up before doing the same. Taz sighed and collected his two female compatriots. He set Rogue on his couch and put Amy in the guest bed. Taz shook his head before returning to bed. What a night.

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I had way too much fun writing this chapter.


	3. Chapter 3 Ups and Downs

I've decided to get back to Funny Doesn't Pay the Bills, because I've got some fans that would like to see more of it.

As a side note: Thanks to an anonymous reviewer who caught my mistake of calling Rouge Rogue. I'm a grammar/spelling Nazi so I appreciate those kinds of things.

P.S. Drama/Romance chapter!!!

Enjoy.

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When Amy got up her head was pounding and her mouth was dry. (I hate it when that happens.) In the distance she heard someone playing a guitar and singing. It was at this point that she looked around and realized that she had no idea where she was. Amy was still wearing her outfit from last night: A bright gold dress. Her high heels were on the floor and her makeup and hair were a mess. She went into a nearby bathroom and washed up. On the counter by the sink were some shorts and a T-shirt. Amy slipped them on and walked down a small flight of stairs. The house was very nice looking but where was she?

As she passed through a living room she saw Rouge still passed out on a couch, snoring loudly and drooling. (Don't tell me girls don't do that because they do! I KNOW THEY DO!) Amy continued until she found the source of the music. She stepped out onto the front porch where Taz sat with an acoustic guitar.

(Song: Feeling Alright by Rebelution)  
(Check them out if you like Reggae. Or weed. Or both. Or if you just want to get the rhythm of what Taz is singing)  
"It's about that time for us, to look around, and meet somebody new. Let's all welcome in, familiar faces, perhaps somebody who, has a conflict in their lives. Oh, alright. Tell them you're sorry but, there's ways to change, from wrong to right. We can sit in a distant haze, and watch grey clouds, with thoughts of greatness, to help our troubles, sail real far away. Oh yeah."

It was at this point that Taz realized that Amy was there. He turned around to see her standing there. "Oh, hey Amy. I uh, didn't see you there. Did I wake you?"

"No, I just…" Amy was at a loss for words. (Was he that good? I doubt it.) "I didn't know you played."

"Huh? Oh yeah, I jam with a few buddies now and then." There was a short silence. "Hungry?"

Amy sat at the table drinking a glass of ice water as Taz made toast and eggs. Taz had given her a few aspirin to help with her headache, but it still hurt like hell. "Yeah you and your friend came here at like 2 a.m. You passed out so I brought you inside." Taz explained as he put the food on a plate for her. Amy felt embarrassed about this. (You should!)

"Sorry about the trouble Taz." She replied, nibbling on the toast.

"Not a problem. It's nice to get some company now and then. Hey, me and my buddies are gonna jam later, you're welcome to stay and listen." Taz said, turning off the stove. Amy swallowed her bite and smiled.

"Yeah? Maybe I'll do that." Taz started to walk out of the kitchen, grabbing his jacket along the way.

"I need to run a few errands so I'll be back in a bit. Make yourself at home!" He shut the door. The only noise left was that of Rouge snoring a few rooms away. Amy finished her breakfast and took a look around the house. The basement was an exercise room with some weights and a treadmill. Another room had a large TV and several game systems. One more had a sign saying "DO NOT ENTER", naturally Amy stayed away. Then the room she had been looking for: It was much larger than the other rooms, and full of musical instruments. A large drum set, 3 bass guitars, 5 electric guitars, 2 acoustic guitars (one was a 12 string), a piano, a keyboard, a violin, a viola, and a cello. (How does he afford them?)

Amy was in awe over this army of instruments. (I would be too.) She looked around for a moment, making sure not to bump into anything, before sitting at the piano. After a deep breath she went into a rousing rendition of Ode to Joy. Feeling good, she continued to play, going from Beethoven to Mozart to everything else. As she finished her last song, she sighed. And then heard clapping. Startled, she turned to the doorway where Taz stood smiling.

"Oh, I was just… Uh…" Amy fumbled with her words. Taz laughed a bit.

"Don't worry about it." Taz took a look around the room himself. Amy really began thinking. Was she attracted to Taz enough that she'd consider dating him? Would he say yes? Was he the one? But then, Taz said something that destroyed her. "You'd love Sandra." (Uh oh.) Sandra? Who was Sandra? His girlfriend? Oh no.

"Who's Sandra?" Amy asked cautiously. Taz didn't even look at her. As if it was nothing.

"My girlfriend. She plays keys too. You two would get along great." Amy's spirits were crushed but she willed herself to keep a straight face. Luckily this was pretty easy to do because as Taz strummed a guitar Rouge popped her head into the room shouting: "KEEP IT DOWN!!!" As loud as she could before stumbling away. Both of them looked at each other before bursting into laughter.

Around 3:00 Rouge left for home to recover from her ordeal. Amy and Taz hung out for a while before a knock at the door. Taz opened it, revealing a tall muscular wolf with grey fur. He had short hair that hung down on the sides of his face in bangs. He was wearing khaki tan pants and a grey hoodie. "Jake, what's up my man?" Taz said as the two fist bumped.

"Nothin' much." Jake said in a low voice. He then looked over Taz's shoulder and saw Amy. "Who's the babe?" Amy blushed and turned away.

"One of my fans. Be careful, kitty has claws." He then made a meowing sound and both of them laughed. Jake made his way upstairs and into the music room. After a few minutes another knock. Once again Taz opened the door this time revealing a light brown furred fox. "Dylan, man what's up?" Dylan grinned and the two hugged. Dylan had long dreadlocks all around his head, some reaching his waist. He had blue shorts, an orange T-shirt, and round purple sunglasses on the tip of his nose. (Think John Lennon.)

"Jake here?" Dylan asked. Taz nodded. "Sandra?"

"Not yet but we can jam without her for a while." Taz replied. A thought struck Amy: Sandra was going to be here? (My prediction: Catfight.) She tried to stay calm but instinctively knew something bad would happen. Regardless, they all went to the music room where they picked up their instruments. Jake sat on the drum set, Dylan grabbed a Beatles-style violin bass, and Taz picked up an Epiphone Les Paul as well as stepping up to the mic. They all plugged in, adjusted the settings, and Amy took a seat in the back of the room.

"Alright so we're gonna start off with Santeria?" Jake asked. Taz nodded and Jake began the count. 1, 2, 1-2-3-4!

(Song: Santeria by Sublime)

(Look it up. Seriously.)

(Side note: I actually used to know Sublime)

"I don't practice Santeria  
I ain't got no crystal ball.  
Well, I had a million dollars but I  
I'd spend it all,  
If I could find that Heina and that Sancho that she's found,  
well I'd pop a cap in Sancho and I'd slap her down.

What I really wanna know,  
my baby, what I really want to say I can't define.  
Well it's love,  
that I need, oh,  
but my soul will have to,  
wait 'till I get back find Heina of my own.  
Daddy's gonna love one and all.

I feel the break,  
feel the break,  
feel the break and I got live it out,  
oh, yea huh, well I swear that I.  
What I really wanna know, my baby,  
what I really want to say I can't define.  
Got love! make it go,  
my soul will have to...

ohhh What I really wanna say,  
my baby,  
What I really wanna say is I've got mine.  
And I'll make it, Yes, I'm comin' up.

Tell Sanchito that if he knows what is good for him he best go run and hide.  
Daddy's got a new .45.  
And I won't think twice to stick that barrel straight down Sancho's throat.  
Believe me when I say that I got somethin' for his punk ass.  
What I really wanna know, my baby,  
oh what I really wanna say is there's just one,  
way back,  
and I'll make it, yea,  
but my soul will have to wait.  
Yea, yea, yea"

Amy clapped as they finished. And then in walked: Her. The girl of Taz's dreams and Amy's worst nightmare: Sandra Hills. She walked in a way that she swung her hips back and forth. Her blond fur glimmered in the light, her violet tank top and blue skinny jeans worked together perfectly. (If I said I was turned on would you be disgusted, creeped out, or both?) Her makeup painstakingly done around her big blue eyes made her ever the more beautiful. Sandra was very attractive, Amy wouldn't deny that. In fact, she was a little jealous.

As Sandra strutted into the room, she spied Amy. "Jake?" She asked.

"Not mine." He replied.

"Dylan?" Dylan shook his head. Finally her eyes drifted over to Taz. She gave him a funny look. "Really?"

"She's just a friend. I met her the other day after a show." Sandra rolled her eyes.

"You say that now, but when you're hittin' that next week you won't say the same." All the guys laughed and Amy simply blushed and turned away. Sandra smacked her on the back. "Ah lighten up hun I'm just joking." She turned on her keyboard and played a few scales. At last the band was complete. They played a cover of Lazlo Bane's Superman before taking a short break.

Amy was sitting on a chair in the back of the room watching Taz and Sandra talk and thinking about things. Dylan sat next to her with a glass of water. He sighed and took off his sunglasses. Dylan brushed his dreadlocks out of his face and looked at Amy in a kind of sad way. He held out his hand and they shook. "Dylan. We haven't really met I guess." He took a sip of water. "I see how you talk to Taz I see how you look at him."

_Uh oh. _Amy thought. Thoughts were racing through her mind._ He's one of Taz's best friends. Does he approve? What does he think of it? Is he mad? _

"Now I'm not saying you're a bad person. I'm not saying you're not a very beautiful girl. But he and Sandra have been dating for 3 years. Taz is waiting to propose to her. 2 years tops he says." As if her dreams weren't crushed as it was. "I've known Taz since high school." He laughed lightly. "I've known him since he was Timothy Azzon: Honors Student. The guy puts his heart and soul into everything he does including Sandra. Sorry if I'm kinda bursting your bubble here but that's the way it goes." He took another drink of water and walked away. He picked up his bass and practiced a few riffs. Amy sighed and leaned back, feeling defeated.

Amy tried to get over it. _What was I thinking anyways? You know it's still cool to have him as a friend. He's a great guy and Sandra's cool too. It's not that bad. _But she couldn't help the way she felt. It was god awful thinking about it. But that was the way it went.

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Oh goodness gracious.

I hope you enjoyed and I hope you stick around.

Read and review or I will find you.


	4. Chapter 4 Yuk yuk yuk

Another chapter of this because I'd like to get back to comedy.

=)

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The band finished their set, ending with "Play That Funky Music White Boy" with Dylan singing. Jake left first, saying he had something to do. Dylan left a while later. The three friends left sat in Taz's living room watching TV and talking until around 4:00 p.m. Finally, Amy felt it was time to leave.

"Thanks so much for having me over Taz; I hope I didn't cause too much trouble." Amy said to him as she stood at the door.

"No problem, I like the company. Come over any time." He replied, smiling. Amy nodded and waved as she left. Once she heard the door to Taz's house close she immediately broke down. Her body felt weak, her face was soon covered in tears. Amy managed to make it home before totally collapsing. She proceeded to take a long nap, thinking about the day.

When she awoke she stretched and yawned. It was a new day. _Time to get up and get over it. _She thought. Amy picked up her phone and saw two things: It was noon, and Taz had left a text. 'Show tonight. 6:00. Lonnie's Laughs downtown.' Amy smiled as she read it and put on her makeup. Amy decided to get a new outfit for that night. (Pfft. Women. Don't hit me!) She left for downtown and went to a favorite store of hers. Remembering Sandra, she picked out a black tank top and skinny jeans. She had never worn such an outfit before but she did look pretty good. Amy walked out of the store after half an hour with her clothes.

As soon as Amy got home she readied herself for the night. As she looked at herself in her mirror she thought: _How do you like me now? _Amy giggled at her own thought and grabbed her cell phone. She sent texts to Sonic and Tails asking if they were coming. (Kids these days and their texting. Back in my day! Eh never mind…) Amy once again turned on the TV and flipped through the channels. For half an hour she flipped back and forth between CSI and a showing of The Road Warrior. (Damn those car chases own.) Soon enough she got a text back from Sonic. Apparently he was working out with Knuckles tonight.

Sonic had recently gotten into Mixed Martial Arts fighting. He'd actually spent last summer in Rio and become a purple belt in Brazilian Ju-jitsu. (Have you seen this shit?) After another little while Tails got back to her saying that he was testing his latest project. Tails wasn't telling them what it was but he'd been working on it for 4 months. Amy let out a big sigh and tossed her phone onto the bed while she made a sandwich. She got the craving after realizing that she hadn't eaten since yesterday. 2 slices of deli roast beef, 1 slice of American cheese, and 1 slice of Swiss cheese, all on toasted sourdough bread. (Yum.) She had been making this same sandwich since she was 10.

Finishing the sandwich, she checked her clock. 3:30. If only there was some way to make 2 and a half hours fly past….

_2 and a half hours later….._

(Cheater.) At last it was 6:00. Amy grabbed her purse and cell phone, and then left for Lonnie's Laughs. (Well then I'll just end the chapter here so bleh.) In no time at all, she was there. (No, I said end the chapter.) The building had a sign depicting a laughing clown. Under the sign it said "Lonnie's Laughs Comedy Club". (YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!!) Amy pushed the doors open to see the last few seconds of a comedian's set. She bought a ticket and sat down at a table holding Dylan, Jake, and Sandra. They waved and Amy sat down. Ordering a soda, she awaited Taz. After a few minutes, the host announced him and Taz walked out. After a moment of applause he began.

"Thanks everyone really. Anyways that's probably the best I'm gonna get so I'll see ya." He began walking off stage, but then went back. "Okay, they're saying I should do more. So I recently walked into one of those lady stores in the mall. You know: the ones with the body washes, and perfumes and whatnot? I was getting a gift for my girlfriend, and as soon as I walked in, it hit me. All the smells combined into a cloud of… Ugh. Now all of these scents on their own would have been rather pleasant but together… Let me explain. Ever remember as a kid when you would take all your crayons and rub them on one spot on the paper? It turned that sickly brownish color? That's exactly what it was like. If I were to assign that smell a color it would probably be dark brown or olive green."

"One of my favorite actors is Christopher Walken. However, I've found that in some situations Christopher Walken just wouldn't fit. For instance: Christopher Walken wouldn't make a good cowboy." In a near perfect Christopher Walken voice, Taz began the next joke: "Hey there, cow poke. You know, this town… It ain't big enough for the both of us. Or like, Christopher Walken wouldn't make a good stand-up comic. Because you couldn't tell if he was kidding or not! He speaks in monotone! He'd be like: Two Jews walked into a bar. And, I killed them. And there'd just be an awkward silence because people would be thinking: Is he joking or did he just admit to a murder? Should I be laughing or calling the police?" Taz ended his set after another several minutes of stand-up. He got a big round of applause and the host called Jake up. Taz and Jake high-fived as they passed each other.

Jake walked up to the mic in a boring way, picked it up and took a deep breath. "WHAZZUP?!?!?!" He yelled loudly. "Oh my god, I am so goddamn excited to be here! You know I've never really done stand-up!?" Everything he said was loud and over-exaggerated, and as he was talking he was wildly moving his hands and arms matching everything he spoke and pacing about on the stage. He took several deep breaths and calmed down. "Sorry about that." He paused for a moment. "I'd like to start off with something deep if you don't mind. My grandfather died when I was young. Not too long after that, my grandma hooked up with some guy named Ron. One time at a party I saw them snuggling and something inside me just snapped. So I just yelled: 'YOU'LL NEVER BE MY GRANDPA YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!!!'" After saying this, Jake curled up into a ball and started crying. He then got back up like nothing happened.

"The look on Ron's face was just priceless. The guy must've felt just terrible. And then I got up and said: 'GOTCHA BITCH!'" Jake was smiling and laughing. "And then I ran. I ran a lot. And when they found me I was punished. But it was worth it. It was worth it." Jake did more over the top comedy for the rest of his set and came back to the audience. Several more comics performed and then the host wrapped it up. Jake left some money for drinks and the group left.

They made jokes all the way as they dropped every person off at their homes. When at last they made it to Amy's house she said goodbye before stepping inside. She sighed and went straight to bed. Better luck tomorrow.

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Sorry again for it taking so long.

I hope the stand-up made you laugh and I hope you enjoyed the story.


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